Shhh, don't tell. one bipolar confession.
- MyPolar
- Oct 23, 2018
- 3 min read
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” (Unknown)
Weather: cloudy, chilly, windy
Mood: tired, so-so, balanced
What's My Secret?
If you subscribe to the notion that medications can and will effectively stabilize the far-reaching mood episodes those with bipolar can experience….then you simply want just that, stabilized mood/temperament. However, not everyone adheres to this line of thinking, so you may or may not agree with my confession: I mostly enjoy my hypomanic spurts.
Don’t get me wrong, when I was erratically and frenetically making horrible, destructive decisions while undiagnosed manic (during the end of college & my teaching career), life was not fun, healthy, nor conducive to long-term sustenance. However, like most of us who’ve experienced severe depression, sometimes we can yearn for those days where we were more carefree, engaging, and full of zest.
For me in 2018, I’ve probably experienced 5-10 mini-bouts of hypomania; additionally, I won’t lie, I did kind of enjoy them. During these episodes, the positives are increased or hyper- creativity, inspiration, motivation, & productivity. This means, chores/responsibilities are easier, tasks usually avoided due to anxiety seem less daunting, and I magically want to become an introverted social butterfly. There’s a surge of confidence, self-assuredness, and the belief nothing is too problematic.
Beyond Dichotomous
Part of the reasoning why I feel to make this confession surrounds how bipolar is defined and perceived. Bipolar, also known as manic-depressive disorder, regards just that: the extremes of depression and “mania.” The goal is for balance and moderation, therefore we should not want to engage in those far-reaching poles.
To clarify, I do subscribe to not wanting such polarity in my mood episodes, AND I do believe that the medications I’m on do help to achieve that. Nonetheless, I do think it’s essential and vital to challenge why we’re limiting the bipolar experience to a dualistic framework: BP simply isn’t one or the other. Particularly, when for me, there’s been so much time and hopelessness being caught in the ‘gray’ area; apathy, dejection, and feeling blah, it’s exactly those hypomanic spurts that jolt life and energy to my being. Additionally, manic episodes aren’t necessarily equivalent to happiness, joy, or euphoria; they can contain those elements, but they also can be void of them. As a result, I don’t think it’s inherently evil if one experiences such with favor.
Still Important to Note
At the end of the day, I don’t aspire for manic states, nor do I clamor for my trysts with hypomania. These episodes carry so much negative propensity: impulsivity, distorted perceptions of reality, sleep absences, and the increased potential to engage in risky behavior such as substance abuse & hypersexuality. They aren’t sustainable, they impact your speech + communication, and others are acutely aware of the changes in our disposition. Ultimately, I’m going to continue to choose to maintain fidelity to my health/wellness plan, adhere to my medications, and strive for balance, composure, and predictability in my daily experience. BUT, I’ll also own and be at peace with lowkey cherishing these energetic boosts at times.
Life isn’t about extremes – therefore, let’s celebrate the surprises and special moments, because they’re just that – infrequent. Bipolar is a tough condition to persevere through; overcompensating or overindulgence won’t ever be the solution.
Before you go!
o Comment Below: what do your hypomanic episodes look like?
o Check this out!: our infographics page, this hypomanic symptoms checklist, more information of manic episodes, how to recognize manic episodes in others.
One last thing: if you could subscribe, MyPolar would be so appreciative. We promise to not spam, nor become a nuisance. Hoping to spark a movement championing bipolar, having allies, partners, and a larger community is imperative.
Comments